Wednesday, June 18, 2014


"I've heard plenty of promises and they all sound the same. But push hard enough, and sooner or later, they all prove to be empty." 

Sunday, June 1, 2014

Long time no write

I saw this magnet in a cute shop in my new city
I know it's been about four months since I've been on the blog, but I think that some of my writing on foster care might be helpful for people, so I made my blog public again.  If you want to use my work, please ask my permission and credit me.

For anyone who used to read my blog and wants to know how I am doing:

I got a new job working in qualitative research. I am back in therapy with a qualified therapist who specializes in trauma and relational trauma.  I am slowly building a life here in my new city.  I wouldn't say I am "happy" or "cured" of all my issues, but I am definitely much better in every aspect of life.  I am not on any medications for mental or physical health and I'm doing well.

All my pets are great too.

Wednesday, January 15, 2014

How do I do it?

I am so stressed out about this graduate school stuff.  I have to figure out where to go and I have to do it very soon.  It was between 3 states, but based on some friend's advice I can no longer go to school in Colorado. 

So now I have to figure out if I want to go back to Los Angeles or if I want to go to Seattle for school.  The school in Los Angeles said that it's not really possible to work and complete the Masters of Occupational Therapy program because the course load is very full.  They say that in their FAQ about the program.  Both programs are 2.5 years long (including summers) and six months of that is full time field work.  If I choose to go to the school in LA, I have to go back very soon or I lose my residency and have to wait TWO YEARS to get it back.  My lease here is not up until July, but the deadline to apply to the school in LA is September.  If I take classes here, I will lose my residency in CA.  

I don't really know what to do. 

How am I supposed to support myself in Los Angeles without a job?  Or Seattle, or in Colorado?  I refuse to give up my dogs.  They are the only family I have.  So how do I house and feed myself, two giant dogs, and a cat without a job while going to school full time.  I can get loans for school.  That's fine.  But I'm worried about food and shelter and basic human needs. 

I can't continue on the aimless path I am on now because it will kill me.  I feel the depression and anxiety lurking close and closer in the background these days.  But I have no idea how to better my life.  I really want to be an occupational therapist, but how?  I'm okay with struggling and living in poverty.  That's not what I am afraid of.  I'm afraid of not being able to support myself at all.  The cheapest rent I could feasibly get in the LA area (outskirts too) with two giant dogs is about 850 a month.  If I somehow get lucky and find a roommate, it would still cost about this much. 

I asked a friend about it and she was like, "Just live with your parents.  That's what I did."  I politely said I couldn't, but in my head I was screaming FUCK YOU. 

I'm tired of life being so hard financially and otherwise.  Another friend in Canada said he gets to go to graduate school for free since he was a foster kid.  I'm happy for him, but fuck.  That sucks too!  I already have 38k in student loans I can't pay back.  I know I'll have to add about 30k to that for tuition and fees for graduate schools.  If I take out loans for living expenses, I'll be in debt for the rest of my freaking life.  Lets not forget my amazing medical bills I can't pay off either. 

My anxiety about this decision is eating me alive.  I can't sleep or concentrate on anything else. 

My poor 8 year old dog has developed what I think is arthritis in on of his legs and I can't afford to take him to the vet right now.  What happens if he gets really sick while I am in graduate school without a job?

Wednesday, January 1, 2014

The answer is No.

Sometimes life just really isn't worth it and all I want to do is crawl in a hole and sleep forever.

Friday, December 13, 2013


I have never had a friend I know this well. I think it's relationships like this that people are talking about when they spout on about creating a family with friends. But it is kind of hard to learn how to make and keep friendships when you spend your entire childhood and early adulthood bouncing from place to place. I've done things for people that their own bio family members wouldn't do for them, and I still get dumped for reasons I don't understand. Leaves me feeling pretty defective and disposable.